OTHER: Self Esteem and Dressed Up Hubris

When I was a kid, I was a shabby, shlubby thing.  A certain untidiness has carried over into my adult self but it was really bad when I was a kid.  My mom always thought that my sloppy dress and general disinterest in my personal appearance was a sign that I lacked self-esteem and confidence and she was probably right.  I had (and still have) very little in the way of an opinion of myself.

What's striking to me in retrospect is how I had come up with this idea a lack of self-respect is a virtue.  I should rephrase that -- I felt a lack of pride was a virtue.  I remember an encounter with my mother once when I was in eighth grade where she shouted in an exasperated voice "Don't you have any pride?" and I shouted back that pride was one of the seven deadly sins.  She rolled her eyes and percussed a loud sigh.  She didn't get where I got these ideas.

For reasons I don't totally understand myself, I never valued self-reliance or individualism much.  I might well have been a product of television shows and my teachers lessons' that kindness and cooperation trumps all or maybe I'm just an enormous wuss and its easier to work with people than to strike out on your own.  In any case, from a young age I developed what seems to be a very non-American outlook on the nature of individualism that has carried me through to this day.

Just recently, in a conversation with my Nanny (my father's mother) I found myself explaining my decision not to go to law school.  In a post on this very blog about 8 months ago I was all raring to go, fulfilling what I had been taught was my long-delayed destiny.  However, a commentator on that post pointed out that I likely was likely not going to be able to gain the qualifications for what I'd like to do through law school.  Law school, it seems, is only for those who want to become attorneys.  If that seems axiomatic and obvious to you, it certainly wasn't to me.  I watch and listen to all manner of professionals with law training who don't actually practice law but I guess either those days are over, or those are the lucky few who ascend to the top of their profession.

Anyway, a near endless deluge of people I know in law or law school telling me not to go to law I simply chalked up to their thinking law would be a more prestigious profession than it turned out to be.  Since I had been working for years in grouphomes and as an appraiser any job after law-school was going to be a pretty big upgrade.  However, after reading this article in the Times, hearing one has to make more than $60,000 a year just to stay ahead of their law school debt and hearing about a recent poll (if anyone could find it, I'd appreciate it) stating that the majority of people working in law would recommend those considering going into law not do so.

Anyway, you can read more about this at this blog but the upshot is law school is filled with kids who think they're going to be the one to land the big-time job when all the statistics point to the irrefutable fact that that is very unlikely.  Furthermore, the unlikelihood grows with each passing year.  At first, I ignored people telling me to rethink my plans but after reading this open letter to the Boston College dean I finally had a panicked moment followed by some clarity.  Finally, I gave real credence to the idea that law school would not be the best idea.  I saw a lot of myself in this student and I really felt his pain at having this expensive degree without being about to find a job.  In it, he writes:

"I write to you from a more desperate place than most: my wife is pregnant with our first child. She is due in April. With fatherhood impending, I go to bed every night terrified of the thought of trying to provide for my child AND paying off my J.D, and resentful at the thought that I was convinced to go to law school by empty promises of a fulfilling and remunerative career. And although my situation puts the enormity of the problem into sharp focus, there are a lot of us facing similar financial disasters."

I found this particularly striking because I could never, in a million years, get into a school as good as BC law and yet, here was someone who was in exactly that position couldn't provide for his young family the way he needed to.

To get back to my Nanny - I read that letter and my heart aches for the guy, I can picture myself 3 years from now in the exact same position.  Meanwhile, my Nanny, upon hearing me recount the story has no sympathy at all.  In an individualist's head success, jobs, money, prestige - these are the things we use to keep score and if you're not a success then you deserve your lot.  There is no luck, there is only success and not.

The fact that I read the above and thought that law school sounded more like a lottery system then a solid path to providing for my future wife and family represented weakness in the eyes of my family. In my eyes, it represented prudence and the almost-wise learning from other people's life experience; and thus, making adjustments in my own life.  For the individualist, those who are strong do; they do without regard of caution. In other words, if I had true confidence, than I would succeed no matter what.

I guess I'm not strong, so while I study now to the end of a PhD in government management and public policy (a degree that carries none of the esteem of a J.D. in my family), I'm reminded that instead of meeting my challenges head on, I tried to circumvent them, because I lack self-confidence.  But if that means I also don't have a lot of hubris, I'm ok with that.

"Modern American parents teach their children that they can be anything they want to be; in ancient Greence such overweening of confidence in the individual's ability to shape his or her own fate was the sin of hubris, and it brought the protagonists of many Greek tragedies to bitter ends." -Stephanie Koontz

ESSAY: Law School

So, this is a little personal, but I wanted to have this on the web for my future viewing and posterity.

I am trying to get into law school. I have attended several colleges and up until last year, I fucked up my education really badly. I was given opportunities that I was too young and too arrogant to appreciate and now, I really regret the person I was and how I stupid I was for not taking advantage of them in the first place.

It's trite, but those mistakes brought me to where I am today and as painful as it is to look back on them, they were an unfortunate necessity to make my current quest have any meaning. I wish I could be one of those people who were driven by an unseen, constant force. I wish I could just be one of those people who work hard without need of constant validation for themselves as people or for the goals they're seeking. Anyway, I'm not one of those people. I do need constant validation.

I think if I make my quest to get into law school public, it might help motivate me to avoid the public embarrassment of going back against it.

Why the hell would I torture myself with law school?

So, some of you might ask, why law school?

Mort importantly, What do you want to do?

The answer is, I'm not exactly sure but I'd most like to be in public policy, and law school helps with that. Law school, as far as I can tell doesn't close any doors. If I want to be a professor, a law degree helps that. If I want to get involved in the background of politics (I do NOT want to be an actual politician), it helps with that. If I decide I want to get involved in the corporate world, it helps that. Maybe, while I'm in law school, I may decide that I actually do want to become a lawyer. Right now, though, I'm not so sure.

Let's just say it this way: for some time, I've loved the idea of becoming a history or civics professors and I can't imagine being laughed at when I apply for a job as a history teacher with a law degree. On the flip side, if I study history and try to apply for a job as a lawyer, the same could not be said. They'd definitely laugh at me.

Law school only opens doors. Yes, I know its hard. Yes I know its unbelievably expensive especially if I'm not sure that I ultimately even want to become a lawyer. Whatever. It's a good investment in the long run no matter what path I follow career-wise.

There are other factors why I want to as well:

1) Going back to school has been an enormous boon to my self-esteem. The last 18 months in school have been the only time in my adult life where I can see with absolute certainty I have been a success. I have grown to love, if not going to school itself, then the feeling of knowing what is expected of me, with constant evaluation to show if I'm doing a good job.

2) I have been a near constant disappointment to my family and I want them to be proud of me. They will be proud of me if I go to law school

3) It seems hard and I like the challenge of it but unlike the challenge of say, my band, it's an inherently winnable one. If I try my best, I WILL succeed at law school. Trying my best at my band provides no such certainties. That's not to say I don't like the challenge of my band, but it will certainly be nice to take on something that as not open-ended and near impossible to quantify victory.

4) The period of my life after I was thrown out of Loyola was the first time in my life where I felt I had no options. Until I went back to school and allowed myself to start dreaming for bigger things again, I didn't realize how downtrodden I'd become: looking forward to a life of drudgery where I don't have enough money and I can never make up for my past mistakes. Having possibilities again has given me new optimism. Suddenly I'm that same kid I was in high school: not perfect but not a total fuck up anymore, either.

I have accrued 42 credits over the past 18 months (nearly as many as whole time at Loyola) at a 4.0 GPA. For the first time in 8 years, my name has value again, I can use it to attain a better life. Anything that opens up new doors is good for my well-being, and law school opens more doors than anything I can imagine.

5) Most importantly, I owe Cole my very best attempt at a great life for her. I can't think of anything that would allow for that more than law school. If nothing else, I will go to law school because I love my fiancée.

Grades - the sad truth about my past.

"Alright, great Matt, then go to law school!"

Yeah, I wish it were that simple. I'm still not positive I can.

So here's the thing: I have 57 credits from Loyola University (nee Loyola College in MD)

From there: I have a 1.9 GPA.

Yikes, right? Yeah, I really screwed up.

Anyway, I returned to school in 2009 at Suffolk: I took 18 credits there for a 4.0 GPA.

I have since taken 24 more credits at NYIT, again for a 4.0.

"Great, Matt!" I can hear you all saying. "Surely the admissions officers will see you've done so much better since returning to school and forgive your horrid 1.9 from Loyola!"

You think so? Yeah, a lot of people have told me that same thing, and while I hope it's true, I am not planning on it. So I'm just assuming that the schools will calculate my cumulative GPA amongst all schools right now and just say that's my GPA.

So what does that mean? It means, basically, I've got a big, big hole to climb out of.

Even with 42 credits of 4.0 schooling, I've still only got about a 2.8 cumulative GPA. Applying to law school with a 2.8 will not be a fun experience, but luckily, I've got about 36 more credits to go. Assuming I get a 4.0 I will have somewhere between a 3.1 and a 3.2 when I apply to law school, which is about a B/B+ average and while that's not nearly as bad as a 1.9, it's also not very good for my law school prospects, overall.

The LSATs - my only possible saving grace

The LSATS are like the SATs for law school. They test logical reasoning, analytical ability and reading comprehension. They're scored on roughly a bell-curve, scaled from 120 - 180, with about 152 being average.

According to these slightly outdated numbers mathematically oriented majors like Physics and Economics tend to the best with a 160 average score while Criminology and Pre-law majors, ironically, tend to do the worst with a below-average 145. For what its worth, Political Science students, of which I am one, score almost exactly average with a 151.8.

In my estimation, to have any shot at getting into law school given my poor performance record, I have to get at least a 160, which would put me in the 81st percentile. And even then, I'm relying on some measure of charity from the university to which I am applying.

If I am able to get a 165 (92nd percentile), things start to get more interesting. I have to get, on average, 7 more questions right of the 101 question test if I'm to get a 165 vs. a 160.

If I get a 170 (97.5th percentile), that would mean getting 7 MORE questions right, I have some small shot at getting into some of the best schools in the country.

If by some miracle I get a 175, which would put me in the 99th percentile and I have way, WAY more options.

Don't think that much can hinge on 7-14 questions on one test? Unfortunately, (and at the same time I guess, fortunately) it does.

This website and this one aggregate admissions data from law schools and estimate your probability of getting into them based on your cumulative GPA and your LSAT scores. There is no way to measure things like your essay or interview with admissions the only other modifier is whether you are an under-represented minority (as a white, male, middle class, heterosexual New York State resident I am literally the walking, breathing embodiment of the anti-under-represented-minority)

But I digress, 3.12 GPA is just about the best I can realistically hope for without any weight being given to my later work by admissions officials given my vastly improved performance.

According to US News and World Reports rankings, the top 10 law schools in this country are:

Yale

Harvard

Stanford

Columbia

University of Chicago

New York University

UC - Berkley and the University of Pennsylvania tied for 7th

University of Michigan

University of Virginia

For those of you kids counting at home, that's 4 Ivy League schools and some of the best public schools in the history of mankind with dozens of the best known professors and alumni including hundreds of famous politicians, litigators as well as many noble laureates to their collective credit.

In other words, I won't be getting into them under any circumstance, so we'll exclude them.

Law school and LSATs, what I need to do

So, to start with, here is the bleak picture I'm faced with of the number 10 - 30 law schools if I get a 160 on my LSATs:

Yeah, so... not ideal. And just so you can see how high the stakes are here. This is the lower quintile of the US News and World Report's top 100 list:

I am not much better than a 30% shot at any school if I get a 160 on my LSATs. However, I think I can do better than that. And if I do, all of sudden the world of my future at law school looks brighter.

Here's what it looks like if I get a 165, or 7 questions better:

But look at how much better I do with those schools a little lower on the list. Remember this is just 5 points better:

Look at all that green! Damn son, I might even get some money. See, this is where I start to feel really good because the first 3 practice tests I've taken I scored a 164, 166 and a 166. So basically, unless I really let my nerves take over it looks like I've got a realistic shot at schools like Syracuse, DePaul, NorthEastern, UNLV and the one most exciting to me in that group, Oregon! Hell yeah, son, I would be a duck! Anyway, I would be ecstatic to go to any of these schools.

So basically, now comes the challenging part. My REAL goal, is to get higher than a 175 on the LSATs and I will study everyday to make that a reality. LSAT scores follow you for 5 years and when they transmit your score to schools, they transmit ALL your scores. So I have to make the first time count.

Anyway, just for a "dream a little dream" moment here, this is what happens if I get a 170 with those top 30 schools:

All of sudden, I'm not an outright rejection almost anywhere. Mort importantly, I'm getting strong consideration at places I would LOVE to go to: Indiana, Wisconsin, Davis? These are places I would LOVE to live

The last level I dare to look at, is if a miracle happens, and I get a 175:

There's a couple real dreams schools in here: first is UNC which is near my Uncle Pat and just somewhere I've had in my head for some time that I'd like to go.

The second is the University of Illinois near my sister Jessica. Third is Notre Dame, which all Catholic school kids would love to go to.

But last, and the one that almost makes me get a little emotional is that little "admit" next to Cornell. A lot of you don't know that when I was in high school, I always talked about going to college (not unlike they way I'm doing now) and nothing ever topped, in terms of emotion and anticipation for me the weekend I went with my dad to visit Cornell. I knew getting into an Ivy League school would have made my parents happier than anything and I really wanted it too.

Cornell was something I dreamed about and talked about for years and when the time came and I was rejected, I wasn't surprised but I felt like I had given up my family's first great hope at greatness for me.

Anyway, I'm trumping it up, but the opportunity to even once again dream of the possibilty of going to a school like Cornell has got me very, very excited.

So, anyway, that's that. Get 175 and make myself into a new man. It's just that simply. Now, all I have to do is execute it.

Get on my ass, tell me to study. I'm trying to go 45-an hour every night. Hopefully I can get there.

Wish me luck and thank you so much for reading this. I know it's not interesting to anyone but me and if you've read this far, that must mean you really care about me.